As a little girl when something went wrong there was only one person who could comfort me and make things right, My Dad. Although I know it will frustrate me at times, its something I hope our daughter grows up to need also. There is no greater feeling in the world than knowing that you are the light of your Daddy’s life, his little girl who can do know wrong (ppfft!) and that he has your back no matter what. It’s already happening, I can see it in the way her little eyes watch you when you come into a room, there is nobody in the world like you in her mind. You are the king and she is a princess, even at 5 months old!
I was very fortunate to grow up surrounded by amazing men in my life. A granddad who adores and still spoils me, A wonderful Dad who guided me through life and two gorgeous brothers who have become my closest friends. Then I met you. The life and soul of every party, always up for a laugh and slightly wild, but polite and mannerly like a mammy’s boy should be, chatty but shy and unassuming. I’ll be honest I didn’t expect much, thought you were too wild for me but it didn’t take long to realise you and I were made to be together, I tamed some of your wild ways and you brought out the wilder version of me, Now almost a decade on and we have experienced so much together. Everything we have encountered along the way has been met with us standing side by side, stronger together and ready to face anything that comes at us and my God there has been so much coming at us!
I was always independent. From a young age I always worked hard and paved my own way, I never relied on handouts or favours and I always did things my way. In my head I didn’t need anyone but myself. How untrue this has proved to be! I now see that gently and almost without me realising, that over the years I have come to depend on you in so many ways. You have become that person that I need when things go wrong, your voice is the one I want to hear on the end of the phone when I’m having a disastrous day, your arms are the ones I want to fall into at night and dissect the crappy day I’ve had, When someone hurts me, the only way the sting is softened is by hearing your reassuring words and knowing that no matter what happens, and even if the worst should come that you are there. Always there, standing by me ready to catch me if I fall.
I know this has not been easy, That I am not an easy person in general to deal with yet alone live with and you handle me with such grace and gentleness. You never complain or get angry about the way things are,you seldom take time for yourself and how you have the energy just to keep going I will never know.
I want to tell you that I am sorry. I am sorry for being a substandard wife at the moment while I give in to my sadness and let it consume me, I am sorry that I don’t always put you first like you do me, I am sorry there isn’t always a dinner ready for you when you get home or freshly ironed clothes, I am still struggling with this housewife thing and you are being so great about it. I know the last thing you want to do when you have been working for 12 hours is to come home and make a dinner but you do it anyway. I am sorry for starting arguments over the most stupid things just because I am frustrated with something else and need a release. I am sorry.
I don’t do it nearly enough but I want to thank you, for everything. For being so understanding and patient while I try to get myself back together, and for helping me to do this. For putting up with my mental family and all the drama that brings, for getting up in the dead of night to go out and provide for us even though I know there are mornings you would rather pull your eyelashes out, for always supporting me and helping me achieve whatever it is im striving for this month, for being the best listener and knowing me so well. When I need to talk but can’t and we just sit there and have that silent conversation, you know the one. For never letting me down like so many others have done, for loving our daughter in a way that overwhelms me and loving me more than I deserve.
I love you so much and know you deserve better than me at the moment but I am positive I will get there with your help. I may not be the girl you fell in love with all those years ago, there are chinks in my armor, wounds that will never fully heal and although I sport bigger jeans now and need to dye the greys I am still in here so please bear with me, stretch your patience just a little bit further and don’t give up on me, I will come back to you.